Taking a Break and Coming Back

Taking a break from routine can be a good thing. However I have found that when I do so for too long other things get in the way and become seemingly more important. That is what has happened the last couple of weeks.

First the cars had to go in to get fixed before state inspection...
Then the TV died....
Then went to Disney
Then the in-laws came into town...
Then.....
Then.....
Then....

Then the Lord started to speak very loudly......Find a spiritual director.....call timone....
But I don't want to call her....she knows me too well and will call me out on things.....call timone....
But I don't want to call her....she will call me out on not exercising....and taking medications....call timone....
BLERG!!! FINE!

So, I contacted a friend of mine, timone, who just has a way of cutting through the crap and telling it like it is. Yesterday we chatted, for almost two hours. Now I am back on track. This blog is the first step to getting back into a routine, into conversation with God, into a focus on my purpose (which I had forgotten about and timone reminded me of in no uncertain terms).

Not all spiritual directors are so matter of fact or cuts to the chase. Everybody has to find their own fit. If you are searching for spiritual direction, you might consider checking out: Spiritual Directors International or Charis Ministries.

The great thing about our God is that we can keep coming back and He is there with loving arms to welcome us. I wasn't as far away as I have been but this time I was able to see the signs that I was moving away. That is the grace of God! I now know some of my triggers and ways that I step away. Now I know....

Peace my friends!

So this is what happens.....

So, this is what happens.....

I get all excited about working on project (i.e. this blog) and then something breaks into my schedule or someone says something about the project (i.e. this blog) and I stop. I know that writing will help. I know that focusing on my faith and relationship with God will help. But I stop. Rarely do I get back on it this quickly. Yes, three weeks is quick.

This is all I have to say right now because I have to look for a job and this is taking away from that seemingly more important task right now.

That is all.

...And It Was Very Good.

So, today I have been encouraged by my book to read Genesis 1:26 - 2:9.

My First Thought:

"God Looked at everything he had made, and he found it very good." 

verse 31

"Very Good," huh? (rolling my eyes) Whatever....


Second Thought:

I have actually given talks on this passage. I love verse 27:

"God created man in his image;

in the divine image he created him;

male and female he created them"

I have used this frequently in talks I give on "Health and Spirituality" in the context of body image and being created in the "divine image" for a specific calling and purpose. It has always struck me that in this account (the first account) of creation God creates male and female at the same time. With equal footing. Equal love. Equal "divine image."

These days it has been a bit difficult for me to see myself in the "divine image." In all honest I'm not sure what that really means. It's not that I was built perfect....by all means I am not perfect.  Which takes me back to my first thought.... "Very Good," huh? Ugh!

Well there are very good things in my life... My marriage being first and foremost.  I truly feel the graces of the sacrament daily.....well maybe that's the only "Very Good" thing at this time. Everything else falls short just a bit. Not that it awful  but not "very good," just okay. Like my job. I like it and I seem to be doing it well but it's not full time and there are lots of inside issues right now. Our finances are fine it would be less stressful if they were at least "good" if not "very good." The transition from Chicago to DC has been fine. I am having a difficult time making friends. I am having a difficult time walking to a room of strangers for any sort of event. I am having a difficult time finding a church that I can call my community. Things are fine......just not "very good."

I realize that all that I have just spoken about are external and the divine image and "very good" are more of an internal thing. The whole point of the Exercises to to be introspective but quite frankly I don't like being introspective (who does, I guess). I don't like what I see and I am too lazy or set in my ways to make any changes. It's depressing and there is no motivation. Heck, I need motivation to get out of bed every day or I would just stay there and sleep, watch TV, or play games on my iPad. 

So, what would I be like if I were truly the divine image? We'll I guess I would be fit and active and joyful. Have a set of healthy food, nutrition and active habits. But not really habits but desires to do those things. To desire to eat healthy and organic foods (maybe even vegetarian or vegan). To desire to have intimate, joy-filled relationships with friends. I think that desire is key here. To desire to make the choice to do so because I want to not because I have to or it's the right thing to do. 

Where does that desire come from? Where does one gain such desire that there is no other option. I feel like I have no desire for anything. I do what I have to because it is the "right" thing to do or sometimes "just because." I envy people with passion, desire and motivation.  It's not something that I can fake because I feel fake and phony. That stresses me out, eats away at me, and causes me bouts depression. So, the "fake it until you make it" adage doesn't really work for me. I have done that for quite some time, years....a good six plus years....and I think that is why I am at this point. I don't know who I am. I don't know what I desire. I don't know what I like or makes me happy.....boy this is f-ing depressing....*sniff* .......

So, "Very Good?"... "Divine Image?"  Yep, not seeing it right now....

By Your Holy Cross You have Redeemed the World

As I have been attempting to strengthen my relationship with Christ and gain some clarification in my life, I have been working through the book "The Ignatian Adventure" by Kevin O'Brien, SJ. This past week I was challenged to take a look at how God sees me. It's been a bit rough as outside distractions and my own inability to keep focused due to laziness, keep me from really believing what has been revealed to me through scripture. "Fear not, for I have redeemed you I have called you by name; you are mine." (Isaiah 43: 1-7)

Okay, so I've totally heard this before. We sing about it all ordinary time at Mass. Blah, blah, blah.... "you are precious in my eyes and glorious, and I love you." Sounds like a bad romance novel. Blech..... Alright, so I'm not a romantic. The more mushy it is the less I believe it and this is pretty mushy for me. So, I don't really believe it.

This weekend I got to church early for Mass, it's a new church for me as we just moved and haven't found a community yet. So, I sat there fingering my rosary, not really saying it because I was observing my surroundings. Looking at the tabernacle, kinda looks like a little gold barn. The back wall is a burnt orange color, I thought; "That's a random color." Ooh, look at the stations of the cross, they look 3D....a brief memory of saying the stations when I was a teen popped into my mind and then...."by your Holy Cross you have redeemed the world." The teens who I have come in touch with over the years took hold of my thoughts. When describing the stations and praying with them. Reminding them, "By this cross YOU are redeemed."... "You, Sarah, are redeemable." ~ Wait, What the What!

This thought came to mind along with a wave of overwhelming emotion and tears welled up in my eyes. "You, Sarah, are redeemable." Craaap! That wasn't me that was God. I rolled my eyes, as I had as a child when my parents called me out on something. Craap! There is probably something to this. I should probably listen (mumble mumble).

You, Sarah, are Redeemable. "You are precious in my eyes..I love you. Fear not, for I am with you."

So, what do I do with this knowledge God? "Wait. The money will come. The job will come. Wait."

Oh, you have got to be kidding me. Wait?!? We don't have time to wait! Bills to pay and things like that.... You know.... Wait?!? How do I explain that to my husband?

"Leave him to me. Just wait."

Fine! That doesn't mean that I have to like it. I'm still going to look on the job boards. I'm still going to have to figure out how to pay that extra bill I was smacked with from our moving transition.

"That's fine..... breathe.... Just wait."

Craaap! Fine, I'll wait. It's true, the money has always come. I haven't always loved the jobs but there has almost always been income. When there wasn't, it was for a very short period of time and it still worked out. Fine!.... I'll wait.....But help me to wait with joy. I'm tired of not liking it. It's effecting my relationships and I really don't like that. Help me to wait with joy.

So, today, I wait.....with joy (sometimes).

Promise of Redemption

"Fear not for I have redeemed you..."



In the midst of this great transition from Chicago to DC I have felt a bit lost and alone. Working from home there have been plenty of days that the only actual person I come in contact with is my husband. Of course, I love my husband. However, for an extrovert who gains energy from people, activities, and environment, I quickly began to fade away. My mussels ache, I regularly get headaches, and it is difficult to get out of bed in the morning. I have lost my purpose. Well, let me rephrase that....My purpose has changed and I don't know what it is in light of my new reality. I need to tend to my Spirit because it is withering away.

Today I was prompted, by what I can only say is the Holy Spirit, to pick up the book The Ignatian Adventure and began to read the first day of the first week of the Ignatian Exercises. I say the Holy Spirit because it wasn't really on my radar and I haven't seen the book in a couple of weeks. I don't know why I pushed back my chair in the office and looked at the book shelf.

Today began the healing. I was finally for the first time able to really look at my past situation and see life, love, God. This is a huge beginning because the situation was devastating for me. It broke me into pieces. I didn't like anything about the situation, most especially myself. I really hated who I had become. Today...a bit of healing.

When I read Isaiah 43:1-7, I kept coming back to this quote from Isaiah 43: 1b, "fear not for I have redeemed you"which brought to mind the numerous times, as a youth minister, I would hear students giving witness about making what would be considered a...well not great choice or major issues in their life and their struggle to come to terms with the decision, themselves, and their relationship with God. Frequently, God would say in my east coast accent, "Today, you have redeemed." or "God has made, what could have been tragedy, into something shinny and new." or "Only God can bring such beautiful light to this dark story and today He has."

Today's reflection makes me miss my students. But even more I am reminded of all the graces that I received through some rather difficult times with them.....Today I begin to see the glimmer of light in a dark time.

"you are precious in my eyes.."
"I love you..."
"Fear not, for I am with you..."

Tending the Spirit: seeds are planted in the Promise of Redemption

He is my protector...I am worth protecting.